My world is full of noises outside of me and my rhythm. Living in a city requires some sort of religion: an acceptance that some things are outside of your control, but it’s worth it to live in this mecca of culture and ideas. When your upstairs neighbor is rolling a chair above your head at midnight, or clomping about her apartment in what surely must be 3 inch platform heels, once recites the mantra: “I can walk to the ocean, I can walk to the ocean, I can walk to the ocean,” and self-pity melts into gratitude or at least self-congratulation. Why do we introverts bother living in the city in the first place? So we can enjoy the solitude of our tiny book-filled apartments, a solitude made more blissful by the knowledge that we could be at the smoky bar our colleagues tried to drag us to, in an effort to make us more social. Why indeed, when I know that the only place I’ve ever felt anything even close to “god” was high in the mountains in Colorado, in a completely deserted meadow rimmed with majestically tall trees, and then again encircled by row after row of ever more distant peaks. But as Jane Austen’s Mary Bennett utters in one of her many moments of pedantic tedium “society has claims on us all.”
While she was referring to some dreadfully dreary duty to society to participate, she also unwittingly betrayed her longing for acceptance and approval by said society, a feeling I understand completely. So while one half of me would probably enjoy a quiet life as a hermit in some remote mountain cabin, the other half longs for interaction and affirmation. I have always wanted the approval and admiration of my peers, this is no secret I attempt to keep from myself. It is this desire that binds me to Los Angeles, a city as equally deserving of the nickname the City of Flowers and Sunshine, as the City of Broken Dreams. While I know, or rather suspect, that true happiness and peace will come from seeking acceptance and love within myself and sending it outwards, rather than attempting to bring it inwards, I do want to accomplish good, and I do not want to lose my ambition and drive in satisfaction and complacency. So how to balance this? Vanity, pride, and a hunger for admiration are such strong motivators, and I think have pushed many people to accomplish great things, of course in conjunction with genuine a love and passion for what they are doing. Now that I have cloaked my vanity in a noble cause, on to accomplishing said cause without compromising it on the way. Aye, therein lies the rub...
While she was referring to some dreadfully dreary duty to society to participate, she also unwittingly betrayed her longing for acceptance and approval by said society, a feeling I understand completely. So while one half of me would probably enjoy a quiet life as a hermit in some remote mountain cabin, the other half longs for interaction and affirmation. I have always wanted the approval and admiration of my peers, this is no secret I attempt to keep from myself. It is this desire that binds me to Los Angeles, a city as equally deserving of the nickname the City of Flowers and Sunshine, as the City of Broken Dreams. While I know, or rather suspect, that true happiness and peace will come from seeking acceptance and love within myself and sending it outwards, rather than attempting to bring it inwards, I do want to accomplish good, and I do not want to lose my ambition and drive in satisfaction and complacency. So how to balance this? Vanity, pride, and a hunger for admiration are such strong motivators, and I think have pushed many people to accomplish great things, of course in conjunction with genuine a love and passion for what they are doing. Now that I have cloaked my vanity in a noble cause, on to accomplishing said cause without compromising it on the way. Aye, therein lies the rub...
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